I’m crazy and I know it.

I have this awesome friend. I consider him as one of the closest person to me next to my bff Kat. The thing is, he’s on the other side of the world and I really haven’t met him yet. We email almost everyday and there’s really something about telling a guy about your secrets. When you’re a girl, it’s always easier to tell a guy friend about your problems and secrets because they don’t you the way your best girl friend judges you. Don’t get me wrong. Kat is my sister form another mother and I wouldn’t know what to do without her but I can’t always tell her everything. There are just certain things that you can’t tell a bestfriend. If I tell her, she’ll get all worried and sad and I don’t want that. It bothers her, my problems. So instead of telling her, I tell a friend who’s oceans away from where I live. Lol. He listens to every problem I tell him and he doesn’t complain about it. Hahaha!


It started out as a fun chat on some site and we’ve decided to exchange emails. It was fun at first. You’re curious with what he looks like or how he do things since he’s from the west and I’m from the east. Every email was full of questions and discoveries. We learned from each other a lot. We’ve talked everyday for months until we became super friends and he said I’m his far away bff. Hahaha he is to me too.


We’ve had a looot of laughs. He trolls, I troll him back. Everything was so fun and light. It was awesome.


But you know what they say. There’s no such thing as a boy-girl bestfriend thing because one will surely fall for the other..and in my case since he’s very much taken with a fiancee and a beautiful son, I’m the one who fell. Lol he didn’t catch me and I’m quite glad about that eventhough it hurts.


Ever since the day I’ve realized that I like him more than I should, I got scared. Scared because I know nothing will come out of it even if I tell him because of many reasons. I never told Kat about this but she knows. She tells me to stop talking to him because I’ll just get hurt everytime. I’ve considered it a couple of times but it’s hard. We’ve been emailing each other for a year and 5 months now and he’s been part of my everyday. I know it sounds crazy but it just is.


He tells me about his shitty car, how dry the air is in his place, how hot the weather, how he loves soccer and fishing, his crazy customers, his awesome dinner, his love for coke, how he likes his butt, how he hates the wrinkles on his face, how he can’t grow a nice mustache, how he shaves his head and face, the rain, his funny stories his girlfriend and his awesome beautiful son.


I’m happy that he’s happy with his life. Sometimes I wish I could take back the time I told him I’m sick. he worries for me and I think it’s one of the reasons why he puts up with me. He’s that nice. It would’ve been easier if I’ve stopped talking to him a long time ago.


Just to let you know, no one knows about this blog not Kat, esp not him. This blog is for me. It’s where I share my innermost thoughts that I couldn’t tell either of them.


I know someday this has to stop. But since my leukemia, he became my rock. He makes me forget that I am sick. He makes me laugh even if I’m running a 39 degree fever. He’s funny and caring. He’s an ass and he doesn’t care what other people think of him. He lives not to please everyone and I admire him for that. He opened me to a lot of things I’ve never thought I would eventually do. He calls me pretty more than my exes did. He made me feel good about myself. It’s crazy how one person could change your life over a bunch of emails.


I want to see him towering over me laughing his heart out and hug me after. That’s the only thing I want to happen. That’s it.

I couldn’t forget the day when he told me that he reread some of our conversations from the first time we emailed and I grew serious. It’s like I’m not the fun person he used to talk to anymore. I blame my illness.

I could go on forever talking about him. But I have to stop someday and it hurts. He has no idea, Lol or maybe he has but he doesn’t acknowledge it and I’m glad he doesn’t. He never did once give me hope lol I know it sounds mushy but it’s true. It’s stuck in my head like super glue that he’s engaged and has a son and sooo far away from me and I’m crazy for “liking” him too much. I need to find a boyfriend soon! Lol but he’s the reason why I can’t get one. I always tend to compare the guys I meet with him. Like, I look for him in every guy I meet. It’s absurd I know.


I can’t get myself to stop emailing him and sometimes i wish he would just get tired of me and eventually stop talking to me. But lol it’s scary. I don’t know if I would be able to handle it.


Aaaaah! Stupid me! Stupid me! Can someone slap me hard on the face so I’ll wake up from this dream?